To Seek Christ

Part 1. 

Some days I have the words to express how great my dad was and some days, I struggle to emotionally go there. My dad and his influence on me had always drawn me to Christ but his death has catapulted me into this deep relationship with Christ and the deeper that relationship gets, the more alive my dad is. There are days where I know he is walking beside me, showing me but I still struggle because I want his physical presence here to confirm what I am experiencing and to bounce my thoughts off of him. It’s really hard to sail a ship that you once trusted and relied on others to guide and now you have no choice but to guide it yourself. At least, that’s how it feels. Learning to trust in the gifts that were given to me is hard. Our sinful nature is deceptive, and being aware of that has caused an insecurity in me. I knew without a doubt that any word that my dad gave me was truth, accurate and trustworthy. I knew that no matter what, I could call him and he would set my path straight. When we would talk, it would be a conversation worth having, it would have value and it nourished me.

Growing up, I use to watch him like a hawk. He always seemed deep in thought and his facial expression was always something that brought concern to me. The older I got, the more I would ask him about it and the more he would share personal experiences with me. He had stories that would leave a mark on your heart, and the more you heard, the more you would understand why he was the person he was. One story took place when he was in grade school. He was riding the school bus and one of the kids on the route had a dog that would wait with him. One particular morning, the dog ran into the road and an oncoming car was not stopping. The boy tried to remove his dog and the oncoming car struck the boy. He did not make it. Another heart piercing experience was an example of the strain between him and his own father. Dad was left handed and back then, dad said that was viewed as an handicap. Dad said he could remember his parents sitting there at the table trying to get him to write with his right hand, and when he couldn’t, he could remember the look of shame his father had as he walked away shaking his head. His stories always left a mark, a deep wound on my heart for everyone involved. I can’t imagine how deep they were for him but he always had a way of finding clarity in them through seeking Christ. Dad created a journal of all that he could remember from his childhood, the time he served in Vietnam and after. Throughout that journal, he had bible verses that meant something to him for each experience. As you read through it, you can feel dads presence and his heart.

Dad never pushed his faith or beliefs on us. He had this incredible way of living it and he drew us to it. He was genuine, humble and boy did he have a way of making you feel loved. When you would talk with him, he had a way of making you feel that he was hanging on every word you were saying. He was paying attention and listening. He was not worried about how to respond or how he could relate to what you were saying. He actually listened and waited in the conversation to assess what you were sharing and to say what you needed to hear. The ability to do this, most people have lost.

The more I share about my dad, I know that there is no picture that I could describe that would give you the same feeling you would have if you had actually known him. Unless you had your own relationship with him, you would not know how truly wonderful he was. In this same thought, I realize that, that is the same for our Heavenly Father. I can tell you how wonderful he is all day every day, but unless you have your own relationship with him, you won’t really experience his greatness. I was very, very fortunate to have the amazing father that I had. I am truly grateful for him and all he has taught me and what he continues to teach me. I hope that I can be half as amazing as he was but I pray more that everyone seeks Christ the way he sought Christ. My dad saw and experienced a lot of darkness in his life and he wasn’t always free of it. I believe it was his faith and the way he purposefully sought out Christ through it, that brought him the peace and love that people felt when they were around him.

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.